Feeling Good Was Easy, When He Sang The Blues.
He oozes sex appeal, his love and passion, his deepest thoughts blaring through the speakers. Before you know it the show is over, and now with a body covered in sweat he mingles with the crowd. Instantly swarmed by groupies who are ready to strip naked and fuck him at any moment. Sometimes he entertains them, sometimes not. Maybe, tonight instead he'll find the shy girl and see if that will work out for tonight. He loves a challenge, and how can his charm not appeal to her? He comes to find that she's easy, but not that easy. It takes weeks to court her and lure her into his bed. But now, they're closer then they wanted to be. He discovers she's a passionate and caring lover, and she finds out that she really likes him. But all he wants is a quick fuck and someone to stroke his ego for a while.
Of course this is only a dramatization, but the feeling that a musician only wants me for my body is real. Though I realize that not all musicians are cold hearted lustful bastards, I still feel the need to condemn them in order to protect myself. But in all fairness we shall discuss both sides.
Myself. I know I fall hard, and love deeply and passionately. I also don't trust very easily. Even those I love aren't sheltered from my trust issues. Yet, without trust there is no love! Mother says it's because I've had to many broken dreams and disappointments in my childhood. I carry the weight of the world on my shoulder constantly being blamed for everything that goes wrong in my home. I have become the responsible one in a family built of alcoholics and abusers. Both my parents are alcoholics, my mother has been sober since I can remember, but my dad is a different story. Getting high almost every night, the father I knew when I was younger is now just a man I live with, half dead. Unlike my Uncle Willy. My father's brother who died of a drug overdose Christmas day 2001, ironically he played the roll of Santa Claus for my parents wedding in 1989, December 23. Heroine was his mistress. He was the father of two daughters. Then there is my aunt Ginger, who I despise seeing. Whenever she comes around she passes out in my bed recovering from a month or more of revelry. When I was a child she was dealing out of my basement. Finally, Bo, about 32 when he died, leaving behind his children. He was hit by a SUV while on the way home in the dark of a Indian summer morning on his motorcycle. The driver of the SUV happened to be the same guy he had gotten into a bar room brawl with less then a week ago. That is just the heartache in my family. Freshman year I started dating a boy who delighted in twisting my words around and abusing my mind and spirit. Every day he would ask me to give myself to him, every day I refused, and every month he'd break up with me, and foolishly for six months I would get back with him the next day. After him I dated for almost two years a wonderful man who mended my heart as best he could and tried to help me fly. Sadly I have major confidence issues too. Near our two year anniversary I started realizing that he just didn't seem to love me as much as he used to. So, instead of holding him back, and instead of letting myself hurt myself I let him go, July 22, 2007. I still love him very much, just he doesn't know it. A few days latter I heard his cruel words what he really thought of me. I got drunk and ended sleeping with his brother in spite of him. He found out. Since then I've been apparently setting myself up for disaster. My most recent, another talented musician who taught me the wonders of bass fingers, as well as the pain that real musicians bring. You see, all he really wanted was to get me naked, and he admitted to it. I would receive drunken calls 12 sometimes 1 in the morning so he could hear me moan out his name. I just couldn't say no to him. He had sweet talked me into his life revealing enough about himself so I felt special. Then he started getting mean, saying cruel things intentionally hurting me. I stayed up every night pondering what to do, wondering. I couldn't eat anymore, and I began to hate myself for setting myself up for this. More can be read in "If Only Jon Could See It." I have problems letting my feelings out, especially since every time I do, the people that I thought I could trust with my feelings, and people who I thought would care about my feelings turn on me and brash me for feeling the way I do. Making me hate myself even more. What people don't realize is, although I don't cut myself like most do, I find other ways to harm myself. Mostly mentally and emotionally. Then, if I'm feeling really bad, like I just want to die. I drink. I drink hard liquor and wish and pray that I pass out and die. I drink alone now too, just so what happened that first night doesn't repeat itself.
Musicians. I've been told recently from a friend...
"Face it, I'm in a band, and this is one of the draw backs. While you're in it, you become a loner . . .people pretending to be your friends . . .people pretending to be faithful and supportive . . . but its all the same . . . its always the same."
Which I find to be utter BULLSHIT! Just because your in a band doesn't mean that you're destined to be alone. If you want someone to love you unconditionally and love you for who you are then you will find that person. But that is only if you are willing to go after those who don't fit in with your crowd. Look at all the rock stars who have been married to the same woman for a long time. Do you even know those womens' names? No, They sit back and let their husbands live the life they live. They hold the fort down and have a loving relaxing place for their man to come home to. Musicians, you're only surrounded with people like that because you let yourself believe that that's the only thing people what you for. The spot light. It is up to you to spot these people and get rid of them, they are only harmful to you, and only you can get rid of their toxins. You are responsible for you. Shutting yourself away, telling yourself that people, mainly women, can't be trusted just lets you believe that you are supposed to be a loner, when in fact you are just shutting the door to someone who could be your everything. The person who will be waiting up for you so they can help you relax after a long day, the person who will inspire you and challenge you in new ways bringing out all the golden light that even you yourself didn't know you have. But, love is not a one way street, you will find yourself helping them bring out qualities they didn't even know they had. Only diamond can cut diamond after all. I understand that it takes a while to heal but turning your back isn't the answer. Like the two of swords, you have blindfolds on and only till you take them off will you be able to see everyone for who they really are. You are the ones who set yourself up to be lied and deceived. You let yourself believe that everyone will do it to you, so you subconsciously set them up for it so they can prove you right. You don't give people the chance to show you who they are. Yes there are people out there who lie. Yes there are people out there to steal what is rightfully yours. But when your falling, you can easily tell who those people are, and at the same time you can easily spot the real people. The people who willing have both shoulders ready for you to cry on. The people who hold you close even before you realize anything is wrong. The people who love you, love you no matter what.
Now how do I fit into this? Let's set the scene. As before, he oozes sex appeal. His heart's words blaring thou the speakers. When the show is over he mingles with the crowd. He's full of charisma. Then, he starts paying attention to her, out of all the other girls he could be talking to, he's talking to her! He says that he'd love to get to know her more, maybe hang out sometime when she has the time. So, she gives him her number. In time they get to know each other. He shares some of his pains and she opens up her heart and welcomes him into it's warmth, he willingly accepts the attention. she starts to fall for him, but then he says that he's not interested in a committed relationship, or he tells her nothing, and sleeps around with other girls just to brag about it latter to her. Leaving her to feel like his whore, like she's worthless. He may say that it's to much drama, and that too many girls have lied and cheated and fucked with him and he can't take it anymore. But he won't even give her the chance to show him differently. So instead, he uses her body and her love for him. What does this all show? One, it proves the girl right that musicians only want her for her body, and it proves him right because in time she gets tired of being fucked with herself and just says fuck it. It's a vicious cycle.
I understand that in writing this I am now opening myself up to much scrutiny. I accept that, It's the price I have to pay for being right. I also know that those who agree with me are open minded enough to acknowledge their own wrongs as well as those of others. Or, if not before they do now. We are the masters of our own destiny, fate throws us obstacles that we must over come, or else be doomed to face our trials over and over again. Hence ending up in pain and torture. Open your eyes and see life for what it is; a great web, where we are all dew drops. We each start on our own strand while the winds of fate help us plot our course, sometimes we meet other dew drops at the cross roads, we bond, then sometimes split up down the road, but we always end up taking a piece of each other with us when we part.
** DEAR Wôboz mkwigo,
Yes, I used an exact quote from you. And I apologize if I have upsetted you. I want to let you know that I never meant for you to feel betrayed if that is how you feel. I hope you have learned something from this essay though. And I would like to let you know that it was you and that quote that inspired me to write this all out. You see this has been on my mind for a while, just, I never had the heart to let it out. I thank you greatly for being my Awen. And I am not calling you by your real name here since I feel this is more of a private matter and I respect your privacy. Instead I am calling you by the name I have given you. It means Red Deer, I hope you like it.
Sincerely;
Monica Pyxxi Angeni Vanasse.
Comments on your thoughts to my essay would be lovely thank you. It is also very important that you read all the other comments to this essay. Thank you.
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